I will bake cookies, but there will be no bun in this oven.

Dear Mr. and/or Mrs. sender
We’re pleased to inform you that your applications been accepted
Starting from the time you get this letter
Your life will be one never-ending
“hope you’re feeling better”
You get your choice of an aesthetic
We’ll need to chop your clock off (tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock)
It might not be what you expected
There is no money back once you’ve been ripped off

… sometimes I read too much and sometimes I don’t think I read enough. I’ve been reading about what’s wrong with my body. I am trying to figure out the least invasive ways to fix the problems I am having.

First, the doctor will figure out where on the spectrum of cluster fuck my thyroid hoovers. Once they have that information then they will prescribe some magical elixir that will cause the hormonal imbalances to go back in place.That’s great in theory but what about my weight gain? What about the excess of testosterone, will my estrogen return to normal and I can forget about shaving the beard?

…Don’t forget you’re stuck with it tomorrow (and tomorrow, and tomorrow…)

… My first concern is with my weight. I am, clearly, unhappy and I feel unhealthy. I will do anything to be the size I was back in 2008. I am already looped into an insane diet, I exercise regularly, I take vitamins…

You’re big enough to stop pretending
You’ll start to really show within a week or so
So don’t go saying it’s just come to your attention
You’ll get more than you’re asking for without the right protection

…I am not opposed to seeing a dietician to help me achieve my goals. I am not against having my stomach folded in two and stapled. No kidding. I’d have surgery to fix this hot mess. I will not blame this 100 percent on my thyroid, I like cake and I’ve never been a very thin girl, but this is ridiculous.

…You’ll have to keep on feeding it tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…

… My second concern is the excess of testosterone. It does stupid things to women like make them hungry, cause body hair to darken and thicken, and cause hair loss. I noticed about a year ago the hair on my arms had darkened a littler and 3 months ago I noticed my hair was thinning out. It was falling out more frequently and in the shower I would have handfuls of blonde sliding through my fingertips.

…Today’s a very special day
And how you’d love to have a little thing with which to play
But love wont get you very far
Today be still your beating heart…

… My skin is dry. My nails are brittle. My hair is falling out. I have headaches. My sinuses constantly bleed. I throw up. My joints hurt. My joints swell. My eyes are sensitive to light. My skin turns redder in the sun, more so than it used to. I forget things and sometimes it feels like I am living in a complete fog. I don’t sleep regularly. I am always tired. These are all symptoms of hypothyroidism and someone with a gluten sensitivity.

…Boys will be boys will be boys will be boys will be boys will be boys will be girls with no warning
Girls will be girls will be guys will be boys that don’t cry over toys that they use to beat girls they
Despise by the morning
They always said that sex would change you…

… I don’t feel human. I don’t feel like a woman or a female. I feel like a chameara.

… No second thoughts the knife is nearing
You’ll never hear the little pitter patter pitter patter
Of this little feat of engineering
Of course I love you and of course it’s what’s inside that matters
But I think the whole charade is ending
It seems to me to be the only way to keep from getting
Caught up in a long life of regretting
The doctors said that once you get a taste for it you’ll keep on cutting…

… which brings me to my next concern. It is not a true concern. I feel mildly irritated that I cannot control this, that now I have lost an option. I think that is probably the only reason I have any real feelings about this matter.

…But while you happen to be here
Why don’t you whisper all those sweet forevers in my ear
Stiff upper lip for all this sorrow
Hurry up and stick it in
You never know when it will end
Tomorrow or tomorrow or tomorrow…

… Children. If I can still conceive children, which there is a good chance I’m currently infertile, I shouldn’t. My body isn’t in a good place and never will be to be pregnant. It’s possible, but stupid. Being pregnant could cause me to have severe health problems and there’s a good chance the fetus would not develop into a healthy baby. I would have a child with physical and mental disabilities. It’s one thing to have a kid and find out after the fact something was wrong, it’s another to purposely plan and have a child—-dooming it from conception.

I am selfish. I am not that selfish.

So, there shall never be a bun in my oven—-at least not that I can foresee. I never based my identity as a woman as being a mother too. I, frankly, never really wanted to ever be pregnant. Raising children doesn’t horrify me, but the idea of being physically invaded by another human being for 40 weeks terrifies me.

We can adopt. I was adopted. Brad was adopted. It almost seems more natural, for me. Working with CPS made me want to adopt more, which you think that wouldn’t be the case.

I am thankful for figuring out why I have been sick. I am thankful for great friends that have been understanding. I am thankful for my husband. I am thankful I can even write that last sentence. As much as I am a gypsy and I fade and roll with the winds I love him and could never leave him. There have been very few people in my life that have supported me, encouraged me, and challenged me to take it to the next level.

He is one of the most insightful, loving and caring man. I love only one other man that much and I have his last name too. I am lucky to have had a great father and to have found someone who can be the same as me but at the same time be completely separate from me.

I am sleepy… shocker.

-Goodnight

Madam J.